All people express their body language in one of four ways:
- a light and bouncy movement,
- a soft and fluid movement,
- a dynamic
- determined movement, or a precise and bold movement
Presence Handshake.
He nailed the handshake trifecta—firm, dry, and vertical.
Launch Stance.
He exuded confidence. How? He stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, shoulders down, loose arms at his sides, and his head and chin were aimed slightly up.
Genuine smile.
When speaking with us the doctor occasionally smiled with crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes and cheeks raised. His likability went up even more!
Voice tone.
They had a deeper voice which was serious and credible. He also had vocal variance and didn’t sound memorized, canned or boring when he explained the procedure to us. Even though he’s probably had the same conversation hundreds of times, it felt real and authentic to us.
Hands.
The doctor never put his hands in his pockets and was softly expressive with gestures while explaining. Hands are our trust indicators so keeping them visible subconsciously allows our brains to relax and view others as friendly. It worked.
Fronting.
The doctor kept his entire body facing us throughout the entire conversation. He kept his head, torso, and feet pointed at us—the ultimate display of nonverbal respect. It showed engagement and that he truly was listening to our questions and concerns. Huge bonus points were scored with this move!
We know that our experience was so positive because of the excellent body language which was used. We often think about what we say, but rarely recognize that how we say it is just as important, well aware of that fact—his presence was truly a present.
Confident
How do some people appear confident, while others seem unsure or anxious in some ways? If you can get others to think you are confident, then they may well trust and believe you more easily. In contrast, if you appear uncertain, how can they accept what you say as being true?
Still
Anxious people are tense, and it shows. Their bodies are always moving, typically in jerky movements that betray their muscular tension.
Standing
When an anxious person is standing, they typically get 'happy feet', stepping around the place. A confident person is comfortable standing in one place, without even tapping their feet.
Balance your weight evenly, with feet planted a hip-width apart. When weight is on one leg, it indicates readiness to move. When you are balanced, you are firmly planted, indicating intent to stay and having no fear of attack.
Sitting
When sitting, place yourself comfortably, leaning back in the seat rather than anxiously forward. You may put your hands on your lap or behind your head when relaxing, or steeple them when making evaluative decisions.
Keep the lower body still, with both feet planted on the ground or loosely crossed for comfort. Entwined or twitching legs are signs of anxiety.
Head
One of the simplest ways to show confidence is to hold your head still. Anxious people are always looking for threats. Fix on a point in front of you to help you keep your head in one place.
Keep your head upright and with your chin level, as if you were suspended from a point at the crown of your head. Anxious people tend to hold the chin low, originally in order to protect the vulnerable neck from attack.
Arms
We often wave our arms about when talking or clasp them together when concerned. While you can make smaller movements, generally you can allow them to be still, resting in your lap or hanging at your side. A common confident pose with hands is held lightly in front or behind the back (this is typical of royalty and presidents). Holding one's own hands can be seen as a sign of anxiety so do be careful with this.
Fidgeting is a sign of anxiety. Confident people can keep their hands still without the need to move or hide them. Showing one's hands is a way of building confidence as it indicates you are not twitchy, have no weapons nor are balling fists. For this reason it is a good idea to keep your hands out of any pockets, although thumbs lightly in pockets can indicate a casual confidence.
Unhurried
A common effect of anxiety is that people speed up, speaking faster and moving their body quickly. A confident person does not need to act quickly and shows this by acting at a measured and steady pace.
Speed
When you move, do so steadily. This does not mean going at an unnaturally slow rate, although it might seem this way. This may feel so strange, it can be useful to get feedback from someone else as to what seems natural and relaxed.
Also reduce the speed of your speech. We think much faster than we talk and it is easy to end up speaking so fast others cannot understand us. They may also assume our fast talk is related more to anxiety than thinking speed.
In movement, take good-sized strides, rather than timid or hurried steps.
Pauses
As well as generally going slower, add pauses, both in your speech and your movement. For example when you are getting up, move to edge of the seat, pause, then get up. Likewise when walking, point the way you are going, then step.
Pausing sends a signal to other people, letting them process what you are about to do and so reduces the chance of them being surprised or worried. This is just one way that confident people inspire confidence in others.
Silence
Even a period of silence or inaction can be comfortable for a confident person. Silence is unsettling for many and it can hence be a useful persuasive device that also enhances your image of quiet confidence.
Uncovered
When we are feeling anxious, we tend to cover ourselves with our hands and bodies, protecting vulnerable areas from attack. Confident people do not feel the need to defend, and show this with a clear openness.
Open
When people are feeling defensive, they use closed body language. When they are feeling confident, they use open body language, exposing vulnerable parts of the body and staying relaxed.
Expressive
Confident people feel able to express emotions, including with movement of their bodies. They tend not to over-do emotion as people who are too expressive really be seeking sympathy or trying to coerce others. Confident people do not need to do this. They also smile more, including with their eyes.
Natural
Above all else, a confident person appears natural. They do not look like they are managing their body, nor that they need to do so. For this reason, confident body language is often evidence of real confidence as opposed to it all being an act.
Direct
Anxious people hedge their bets, already being ready to escape. If you are confident, you can be direct, without sending a signal that you are uncomfortable and ready to leave at a moment's notice. Instead, you can confidently engage with the other person, showing you feel safe.
Greeting
Greet people assertively, looking them in the eyes and smiling. Keep your body relaxed. When you shake hands, do so with a firm grip (but not one that is aggressively strong).
Facing
When engaging with another person, you may face them directly, perhaps leaning in. Do not do this in a dominant way, getting too close too soon. Dominant people often have insecurities and use aggression to cover up a lack of confidence.
Confident people look at others. They do not need to scan their environment in search of threats. They hold people with their gaze, which is relaxed and without either narrowing nor opening wide the eyes.
Listening
Anxious or dominant people often feel the need to speak. Confident people do not need their beliefs verified nor their egos stroked, and so are comfortable just listening, which is of course a great way to get closer to other people.
Gesture
A confident person makes limited, firm and smooth gestures, typically to amplify what they are saying. They neither defensively hold themselves in nor make large power moves that grab space. They often use open, relaxed palms.
Control of fear
At root, confidence is a lack (or effective control) of fear. A confident person does not feel threatened by others, as many of us do. This can lead to false confidence and naivety when there is a real threat, which is why an effectively confident person has a realistic threat assessment and may well have a contingency ready so they know they can cope with dangers as they appear.
There is a fine line between others interpreting your body language as being a sign of confidence or or arrogance, so care is needed here. A quietly confident person is liked and admired. An arrogant person, on the other hand, is disliked and despised. The difference is that the arrogant person uses confidence to gain status as they feel (or want to feel) superior to others. The quietly confident person, on the other hand, feels equal to others.
Passionate EnthusiasticAuthenticCaptivatingComfortable I'm a listener, questioner, observer - and passionate about understanding people.
In a world where no-one says what they really think, I try to help you focus on the few effective strategies to:
- understand what people truly want;
- market to them honestly yet efficiently;
- and genuinely connect with others.
Want To Know For Sure…?
The Golden Rule of Reading Body Language: Look for at least another 2 or 3 signals with the same possible meaning – in different areas of their body or communication.
You can amplify the words you emphasize with your body. In fact you probably do without noticing it. A slight nodding of the head. The beating of an outstretched finger. The thrust of an entire body.
TV presenters are interesting in how they create emphasis. They know that only their heads are in view, so they twist, turn and nod their heads far more than you or I.
When emphasizing in two places, with the voice and with the body, beware of mixed messages. This includes emphasis from one whilst the other remains flat or stationary. If I say 'That's really great!" whilst standing rigidly to attention, you may be forgiven for concluding that I was not that enthused.
Basic rules
The basic rules of using your body to emphasize are to synchronize and exaggerate:
Synchronize
To make emphasis count, it must all act together. Words and intonation, as well as all the bits of your body you are using to support the emphasis. Imagine it as playing in an orchestra - you need to get the whole lot playing in tune, otherwise all you have is a cacophony that communicates very little.
Exaggerate
When you want to emphasize, do thing bigger. Move such as an arm further and faster. Move the whole body with the arm. Include facial expressions.
Big emphasis
Use big emphasis when you want to overtly show your energy and passion about a point. You are not trying to hide your light under a bushel here: the goal is to overpower the other person with the force of your point.
Your words should also synchronize with big emphasis, using power words, spoken more loudly with energy and passion. The other person should be under no illusion: this is a very important point.
Big emphasis is particularly useful if you are on a stage and need to communicate with those in the back.
Do remember also that it can be intimidating, which is more about coercion, where although you may gain short-term conformance, you may also get longer-term hatred.
Big movements
For big emphasis, make big movements.
Exaggerate arm movements, making wide sweeps.
Nod or shake your head.
Point with an outstretched arm.
Move about the stage.
Create contrast, sometimes not moving, then moving suddenly.
Simulated aggression
Big emphasis often (but not always) uses simulated aggression, such as:
Beating of an arm down in time with the points you are making.
Pounding of a fist on the table or into palm of the other hand.
Throwing the body forward (not actually, though - this is simulation, so use more of an 'exaggerated lean').
Stamping of a foot.
Exaggerated facial expressions.
Sudden movement.
Connection
In a less hazardous form than simulated aggression, you can use methods of connecting with the person to connect the idea more firmly to them.
Move towards them when making important points.
Reach out towards them, palms curved and up or towards one another, as if giving them something.
Touch them (if you are close and the social situation permits). Lightly touch their hand or arm. Hold both shoulders.
Use a simulated embrace, curving your arms with palms inwards as if hugging them.
Make unblinking eye contact, gazing directly at them (particularly transitioning from no eye contact).
Use 'doe eyes' or other romantic indicators to connect passion for the idea with passion for the person.
Repetition
Repeated moves are like blows to the body. A boxer can win with a big knockout blow or, more likely, with repeated blows that wear the other person down. The same effect is created with big emphasis.
Rhythmic action also taps into primitive senses and can create an almost hypnotic effect.
Subtle emphasis
Big emphasis is not always appropriate and, done well, subtle emphasis can be a far more effective approach, especially in one-to-one situations. To do this well, it often helps if you are in a relaxed frame of mind and 'think small and delicate' as if big emphasis would hurt or damage the other person.
Small movements
For subtle emphasis with your body, do movement in the small, including:
Turns of the wrist.
Finger movement.
Slight inclines of the head.
Subtle facial expressions (the face is well-built for doing this).
Shaped movement
You can also do subtlety through the static shapes into which you put your body, for example:
Cupped palm, as if holding something delicate.
Rounded arms, as if embracing the other person.
Pointing feet, legs or arms in a particular direction.
Light contact
Connect with them gently, ensuring they are listening. For example:
Make brief eye contact, as if checking that they are paying attention.
Look in their direction, for example scanning a crowd.
Move or lean a little towards them.
Nod, to encourage agreement (and hence prior thought).
Move your hands a little towards them, as if wanting to give something or reach out to them.
Launch Stance.
He exuded confidence. How? He stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, shoulders down, loose arms at his sides, and his head and chin were aimed slightly up.
Genuine smile.
When speaking with us the doctor occasionally smiled with crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes and cheeks raised. His likability went up even more!
Voice tone.
They had a deeper voice which was serious and credible. He also had vocal variance and didn’t sound memorized, canned or boring when he explained the procedure to us. Even though he’s probably had the same conversation hundreds of times, it felt real and authentic to us.
Hands.
The doctor never put his hands in his pockets and was softly expressive with gestures while explaining. Hands are our trust indicators so keeping them visible subconsciously allows our brains to relax and view others as friendly. It worked.
Fronting.
The doctor kept his entire body facing us throughout the entire conversation. He kept his head, torso, and feet pointed at us—the ultimate display of nonverbal respect. It showed engagement and that he truly was listening to our questions and concerns. Huge bonus points were scored with this move!
We know that our experience was so positive because of the excellent body language which was used. We often think about what we say, but rarely recognize that how we say it is just as important, well aware of that fact—his presence was truly a present.
Confident
How do some people appear confident, while others seem unsure or anxious in some ways? If you can get others to think you are confident, then they may well trust and believe you more easily. In contrast, if you appear uncertain, how can they accept what you say as being true?
Still
Anxious people are tense, and it shows. Their bodies are always moving, typically in jerky movements that betray their muscular tension.
Standing
When an anxious person is standing, they typically get 'happy feet', stepping around the place. A confident person is comfortable standing in one place, without even tapping their feet.
Balance your weight evenly, with feet planted a hip-width apart. When weight is on one leg, it indicates readiness to move. When you are balanced, you are firmly planted, indicating intent to stay and having no fear of attack.
Sitting
When sitting, place yourself comfortably, leaning back in the seat rather than anxiously forward. You may put your hands on your lap or behind your head when relaxing, or steeple them when making evaluative decisions.
Keep the lower body still, with both feet planted on the ground or loosely crossed for comfort. Entwined or twitching legs are signs of anxiety.
Head
One of the simplest ways to show confidence is to hold your head still. Anxious people are always looking for threats. Fix on a point in front of you to help you keep your head in one place.
Keep your head upright and with your chin level, as if you were suspended from a point at the crown of your head. Anxious people tend to hold the chin low, originally in order to protect the vulnerable neck from attack.
Arms
We often wave our arms about when talking or clasp them together when concerned. While you can make smaller movements, generally you can allow them to be still, resting in your lap or hanging at your side. A common confident pose with hands is held lightly in front or behind the back (this is typical of royalty and presidents). Holding one's own hands can be seen as a sign of anxiety so do be careful with this.
Fidgeting is a sign of anxiety. Confident people can keep their hands still without the need to move or hide them. Showing one's hands is a way of building confidence as it indicates you are not twitchy, have no weapons nor are balling fists. For this reason it is a good idea to keep your hands out of any pockets, although thumbs lightly in pockets can indicate a casual confidence.
Unhurried
A common effect of anxiety is that people speed up, speaking faster and moving their body quickly. A confident person does not need to act quickly and shows this by acting at a measured and steady pace.
Speed
When you move, do so steadily. This does not mean going at an unnaturally slow rate, although it might seem this way. This may feel so strange, it can be useful to get feedback from someone else as to what seems natural and relaxed.
Also reduce the speed of your speech. We think much faster than we talk and it is easy to end up speaking so fast others cannot understand us. They may also assume our fast talk is related more to anxiety than thinking speed.
In movement, take good-sized strides, rather than timid or hurried steps.
Pauses
As well as generally going slower, add pauses, both in your speech and your movement. For example when you are getting up, move to edge of the seat, pause, then get up. Likewise when walking, point the way you are going, then step.
Pausing sends a signal to other people, letting them process what you are about to do and so reduces the chance of them being surprised or worried. This is just one way that confident people inspire confidence in others.
Silence
Even a period of silence or inaction can be comfortable for a confident person. Silence is unsettling for many and it can hence be a useful persuasive device that also enhances your image of quiet confidence.
Uncovered
When we are feeling anxious, we tend to cover ourselves with our hands and bodies, protecting vulnerable areas from attack. Confident people do not feel the need to defend, and show this with a clear openness.
Open
When people are feeling defensive, they use closed body language. When they are feeling confident, they use open body language, exposing vulnerable parts of the body and staying relaxed.
Expressive
Confident people feel able to express emotions, including with movement of their bodies. They tend not to over-do emotion as people who are too expressive really be seeking sympathy or trying to coerce others. Confident people do not need to do this. They also smile more, including with their eyes.
Natural
Above all else, a confident person appears natural. They do not look like they are managing their body, nor that they need to do so. For this reason, confident body language is often evidence of real confidence as opposed to it all being an act.
Direct
Anxious people hedge their bets, already being ready to escape. If you are confident, you can be direct, without sending a signal that you are uncomfortable and ready to leave at a moment's notice. Instead, you can confidently engage with the other person, showing you feel safe.
Greeting
Greet people assertively, looking them in the eyes and smiling. Keep your body relaxed. When you shake hands, do so with a firm grip (but not one that is aggressively strong).
Facing
When engaging with another person, you may face them directly, perhaps leaning in. Do not do this in a dominant way, getting too close too soon. Dominant people often have insecurities and use aggression to cover up a lack of confidence.
Confident people look at others. They do not need to scan their environment in search of threats. They hold people with their gaze, which is relaxed and without either narrowing nor opening wide the eyes.
Listening
Anxious or dominant people often feel the need to speak. Confident people do not need their beliefs verified nor their egos stroked, and so are comfortable just listening, which is of course a great way to get closer to other people.
Gesture
A confident person makes limited, firm and smooth gestures, typically to amplify what they are saying. They neither defensively hold themselves in nor make large power moves that grab space. They often use open, relaxed palms.
Control of fear
At root, confidence is a lack (or effective control) of fear. A confident person does not feel threatened by others, as many of us do. This can lead to false confidence and naivety when there is a real threat, which is why an effectively confident person has a realistic threat assessment and may well have a contingency ready so they know they can cope with dangers as they appear.
There is a fine line between others interpreting your body language as being a sign of confidence or or arrogance, so care is needed here. A quietly confident person is liked and admired. An arrogant person, on the other hand, is disliked and despised. The difference is that the arrogant person uses confidence to gain status as they feel (or want to feel) superior to others. The quietly confident person, on the other hand, feels equal to others.
Passionate EnthusiasticAuthenticCaptivatingComfortable I'm a listener, questioner, observer - and passionate about understanding people.
In a world where no-one says what they really think, I try to help you focus on the few effective strategies to:
- understand what people truly want;
- market to them honestly yet efficiently;
- and genuinely connect with others.
Want To Know For Sure…?
The Golden Rule of Reading Body Language: Look for at least another 2 or 3 signals with the same possible meaning – in different areas of their body or communication.
You can amplify the words you emphasize with your body. In fact you probably do without noticing it. A slight nodding of the head. The beating of an outstretched finger. The thrust of an entire body.
TV presenters are interesting in how they create emphasis. They know that only their heads are in view, so they twist, turn and nod their heads far more than you or I.
When emphasizing in two places, with the voice and with the body, beware of mixed messages. This includes emphasis from one whilst the other remains flat or stationary. If I say 'That's really great!" whilst standing rigidly to attention, you may be forgiven for concluding that I was not that enthused.
Basic rules
The basic rules of using your body to emphasize are to synchronize and exaggerate:
Synchronize
To make emphasis count, it must all act together. Words and intonation, as well as all the bits of your body you are using to support the emphasis. Imagine it as playing in an orchestra - you need to get the whole lot playing in tune, otherwise all you have is a cacophony that communicates very little.
Exaggerate
When you want to emphasize, do thing bigger. Move such as an arm further and faster. Move the whole body with the arm. Include facial expressions.
Big emphasis
Use big emphasis when you want to overtly show your energy and passion about a point. You are not trying to hide your light under a bushel here: the goal is to overpower the other person with the force of your point.
Your words should also synchronize with big emphasis, using power words, spoken more loudly with energy and passion. The other person should be under no illusion: this is a very important point.
Big emphasis is particularly useful if you are on a stage and need to communicate with those in the back.
Do remember also that it can be intimidating, which is more about coercion, where although you may gain short-term conformance, you may also get longer-term hatred.
Big movements
For big emphasis, make big movements.
Exaggerate arm movements, making wide sweeps.
Nod or shake your head.
Point with an outstretched arm.
Move about the stage.
Create contrast, sometimes not moving, then moving suddenly.
Simulated aggression
Big emphasis often (but not always) uses simulated aggression, such as:
Beating of an arm down in time with the points you are making.
Pounding of a fist on the table or into palm of the other hand.
Throwing the body forward (not actually, though - this is simulation, so use more of an 'exaggerated lean').
Stamping of a foot.
Exaggerated facial expressions.
Sudden movement.
Connection
In a less hazardous form than simulated aggression, you can use methods of connecting with the person to connect the idea more firmly to them.
Move towards them when making important points.
Reach out towards them, palms curved and up or towards one another, as if giving them something.
Touch them (if you are close and the social situation permits). Lightly touch their hand or arm. Hold both shoulders.
Use a simulated embrace, curving your arms with palms inwards as if hugging them.
Make unblinking eye contact, gazing directly at them (particularly transitioning from no eye contact).
Use 'doe eyes' or other romantic indicators to connect passion for the idea with passion for the person.
Repetition
Repeated moves are like blows to the body. A boxer can win with a big knockout blow or, more likely, with repeated blows that wear the other person down. The same effect is created with big emphasis.
Rhythmic action also taps into primitive senses and can create an almost hypnotic effect.
Subtle emphasis
Big emphasis is not always appropriate and, done well, subtle emphasis can be a far more effective approach, especially in one-to-one situations. To do this well, it often helps if you are in a relaxed frame of mind and 'think small and delicate' as if big emphasis would hurt or damage the other person.
Small movements
For subtle emphasis with your body, do movement in the small, including:
Turns of the wrist.
Finger movement.
Slight inclines of the head.
Subtle facial expressions (the face is well-built for doing this).
Shaped movement
You can also do subtlety through the static shapes into which you put your body, for example:
Cupped palm, as if holding something delicate.
Rounded arms, as if embracing the other person.
Pointing feet, legs or arms in a particular direction.
Light contact
Connect with them gently, ensuring they are listening. For example:
Make brief eye contact, as if checking that they are paying attention.
Look in their direction, for example scanning a crowd.
Move or lean a little towards them.
Nod, to encourage agreement (and hence prior thought).
Move your hands a little towards them, as if wanting to give something or reach out to them.
